Are you having a hard time making friends in a new country?
Read the our expectations for, the realities of, and tips for making friends below.
Expectation #1: I made friends quickly at home, so I'll make them quickly here.
Reality: It may have seemed quick, but it probably took longer than we remember.
Sometimes we forget how long it took to make friends. It might seem like it was easy now because we remember years of friendship, and those years now seem much longer than the time we spent becoming friends.
TIP: Don't set a deadline for making friends, and don't beat yourself up if it takes longer than you expect. Sometimes, friendship comes quickly, but usually, it takes years.
Expectation #2: It will be easier to make friends now than when I was young.
Reality: Everyone was in the "same boat," so we made friends easily then.
When we were young, we spent years in the same classes with the same people, and we wanted the same thing in friends: someone to play with. Now, we don't see the same people all the time, and the people we DO see might not be looking for friends. Also, our reasons for making friends may be different from what they used to be, and they may be different from person to person.
TIP: Think clearly about the kinds of friendships you want. What will that person be like? What will you do together? How much time will you spend together? Do you want a lot of friends to do things with? or one or two friends to share your feelings with? Don't expect to much too soon. When you don't see people often, it takes a lot longer to become close.
Expectation #3: I'm older now, so I should have more friends.
Reality: Friends are not collectibles that we keep in a box.
As we get older and busier, we have less time to spend with other people, so the quality of our friendships becomes more important, and the quantity of friendships becomes less important.
TIP: Think about the friends you already have and how you can make those friendships stronger. Think about what you can do for them. Making quality friends is easier when you think about what you can do for other people, not just what they can do for you.
Expectation #4 : I know what's best for me. I know exactly what kind of friends I should have.
Reality: We know what we want because of our past, but we should be open to new future.
Because of our experiences and attitudes back home, we probably have a good idea of what we want in a friend, but when we're in a new country and new culture using a different language, we may not find friends like the ones we're used to. That doesn't mean that we can't make friends, though.
TIP: Be open minded. Open yourself up to friendships that are new and different from the ones you had back home. You may discovers something new about yourself.
Expectation #5: I'll know when I have enough friends.
Reality: Our ideas about our friendships are different from what other people think.
Our own memories and judgments may not be accurate. When I was in high school, I had a small group of neighbors I spent time with. Many years later, I met a classmate by chance, and she said that we were the most popular people in school. Even the people whom we thought were the superstars thought that we were popular. Why did we think we were "off the radar" unpopular? Because we didn't worry about popular. There were only a few of us, but that was enough. We were friends then, but now that we are older, we have become very close. It took decades to become so close.
TIP: Don't spend too much time worrying about how many friends you have or what other people think about your friends. Just build the friendships that are rewarding and helpful to you.
Expectation #6: I'm only going to be here for a year, so I need to find BFF's now.
Reality: Making a real best friend forever (BFF) take years.
TIP: If you're only going to be in a new city or country for a short time, like one or two semesters, don't be disappointed if you aren't best friends with lots of people by the time you leave. Set a more realistic goal, like having a few friends that you can stay in touch with by email, or through social media. You can continue building your friendship long after you leave, and perhaps your friends will come visit you, or you will come back to visit them some day.
Expectation #7: Because I'm from another country, lots of people will want to be my friends.
Reality: Some people may already have a diverse group of friends, and others may not care.
If you come from a country that isn't diverse, or that doesn't have a lot of residents from other countries, it may be very exciting and interesting to meet people who are from different cultures. In the United States, there is a lot of diversity in our population and in our popular culture (movies, television, music, etc.). People who appreciate diversity may already have a lot of friends from other cultures, and they may already know a lot about your country. Other people just may not be as interested in other cultures.
TIP: Don't expect to make friends just because you're from another country. Think about what makes you a good friend back home. Is it your personality? your style? your hobbies? your interests? Find a way to make friends based on those aspects of yourself.
Expectation #8: I'm good at making friends at home, so I'll be good at making friends here.
Reality: People in different countries have different ideas about friendship.
1. In some cultures, a friend is someone we spend time with just sitting around and talking; in other cultures, a friend is someone we do things with, like go skiing, watch movies, etc.
TIP: Think about what you usually do with your friends back home and be open to different kinds of friendships. A friendship here may not be the same as your friendships back home, but it still may be important.
2. In some cultures, we keep our problems to ourselves because we don't want to worry our friends, or we're afraid of what they'll think about us; in other cultures, we want to be friends only with people who are comfortable sharing their feelings and problems with us.
TIP: If you're not sure if it's okay to share your problems or feelings with someone, ask them if it's okay with them. You can even tell them about the cultural differences to help them understand that sharing feelings may be a new experience for you.
3. Regarding culture, different cultures have different ways of making friends. In some countries, people expect to be friends with everyone in their classes, or with everyone they work with, and when they change schools or jobs, they change friends. In the United States, we might be friendly with these people, but we have different ways of choosing friends. Also, we behave differently around friends. In some cultures, hugging and kissing is a sign of close friendship, but in others, that's what you do with everybody you meet. It's easy to misunderstand the signals people send (body language, posture, voice), and it's easy to send the wrong signals because of a misunderstanding.
TIP: Be an observer. Watch people and see how their behavior changes around friends. Ask people you know how THEY behave and talk differently around their friends.
Expectation #9: It will be easy to make friends in a new country.
Reality: It is harder than you know for language, practical, and cultural reasons.
1. As for language, when you speak English as a Second Language, you might not know how to speak casually to friends. You might speak in a way that seems formal to them. Formal language is something we use when we are not close to people, or when we don't want to be close to people. If you use language that is too formal, you may be sending this message: "I don't want to be close to you." On the other hand, casual English is different for different people, so it can be hard to learn.
TIP: When you talk to someone you think could be your friend, tell them that you are learning English, and ask if they can help teach you how to talk like a friend. They might need to suggest changes in your vocabulary, the level of English you use, body language, tone, and more.
2. As for practical concerns, some people may be very busy with their studies, or they may not live near you. This can make it hard to get to know them.
TIP: Join a study group of people in the same classes to get to know them better. You may or may not end up with lasting friendships, but at least you can practice your conversation skills.
TIP: If they don't live near you, ask about that place, and when you feel comfortable and safe with them, ask them if there's anything interesting to see or do near their home. Maybe they'll invite you to do something.
One final note:
Tips like these are only helpful if you use them, but that's not going to be easy. Even so, the effort you put into making friends will pay off in the long run.
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