Greetings: The Language Aspect

Meeting new people for the first time.

In life, we often meet new people. We meet people when we interview for new jobs or to get into a good school. We meet people in the offices and classes where we work. We meet people in other offices, clubs, and groups whom we might need to work with in the future. We meet our competitors in the business world, on the athletic fields, or at conferences. We meet people who want to sell us something, or politicians who want our votes. All of these situations include a spoken greeting and a physical greeting. In this post, we'll look at the spoken greetings commonly used in American English, at least in this part of the country.

Assessing the relationship: What are the factors?

When we meet people for the first time, we usually expect to meet them, so we know something about who they are. What we know about them determines how we interact with them. Though social interactions are really very complicated, understanding some simple factors for deciding how to interact is important. Here are some of those factors.

Factor #1 - Age: For our purposes here, other people are divided into three age groups: peers, younger people, and older people. How do we decide which group people are in? That's easy. They are either in our peer group, or they are older or younger. It's how we define our peer group that's a bit complex. 

When we are very young, say eight years old, our peer group likely includes other people in the same grade at school. If someone is just a grade younger, we might think of them as "little babies," and if they are even one grade older, we might think of them as "big kids." We probably "boss around" the kids who are younger than us and are bossed around by the kids who are older than us. 

By the time we get to high school or college, the age range of our peer groups has probably expanded to three-to-five years. As 28-year-olds, we probably see someone as young as 23 and as old as 33 in our group. Now, these aren't clearly defined rules, but you get the idea, right? If you're not sure what the range of YOUR peer group is, there's a simple test. Ask yourself one question: "What age range of people would you consider dating?"

Factor #2 - work or school relationship: Like with age, we break this down into three groups: our equals (people who are in about the same position as us), our superiors (people who have power over us), and our inferiors (people over whom we have power). It's important to note that in American culture, though we might call our superiors "superiors," we do not call our inferiors "inferiors." In other cultures, the terms "seniors" and "juniors" are used.

How do we define our superiors (and inferiors)? This gets back to power. A person can have official power (a.k.a. "authority") over another person (manager-employee, professor-student), or they can have unofficial power. Unofficial power often comes from experience. Even if someone is in the same job as you, they might have had that job for ten years, which gives them some power over you. Regardless of whether the power comes from authority or experience, if someone can tell you what to do, they are superior; if you can tell them what to do, you are superior; and if it's hard to imagine either one of you telling the other what to do, you're probably equals at work or in school. 

Factor #3 - needs: Though peer groups based on age change slowly as we get older, and though our work relationships change when someone gets a promotion, relationships based on the final factor can change at any minute. When we meet someone new, one or both of use may need something from the other. Think about it. If you go to the Financial Aid Office because you hope to get a scholarship, you need something from the person you meet. If a salesman wants to buy his product, then  she needs something from you. Of course, it's possible that the first time you meet someone, you won't know what they can do for you, or what you can do for them, but there may be future needs. 

So, how do the three factors affect how we greet people? They affect formality and deference. Here's how.

We are typically formal and deferential with people who are older than our peer groups, people who have power over use, and people from whom we need something.
We are casual and non-deferential with people in our peer groups, with people who are our equals at work or school, and with people who need nothing from us and from whom we need nothing.
We are casual and non-deferential with, but expect formality and deference from people who are younger than our peer groups, people over whom we have power at work or school, and people who need something from us.
To make this easier to follow, I'll call the first group "above," the second group "equal to," and the third group "below" you

Formality:

"Formality" is a BIG are of inquiry, but we'll keep our exploration here simple. For this discussion of formality, we will not talk about body language, etc. You can read about the physical aspects of greetings in this blog post. Here we discuss two things.

The Terms of Address are what we call people when we meet them.
Sometimes you go into a situation knowing what someone's name and title are; sometimes you don't. If you don't know, then introductions are necessary.

If the person introduces himself or herself with only a given name (perhaps "Barbara"), then he or she is signalling to use that first name. If you still want to be formal as a sign of respect, then your only choice is to use "sir" or "ma'am." Here's the best part. In that situation, if you call Barbara "ma'am," but she doesn't want you to be formal, she'll say "Call me Barbara," and she won't think you were disrespectful by calling her "ma'am."

If a person introduces himself or herself using a title and family name, he or she is sending a clear signal to use the title and family name (perhaps "Mr. Hattori") or to address him "sir" or her "ma'am." Again, just like before, if you are too polite, he or she will probably let you know.

If a person introduces himself or herself using a given name and family name, things are not as clear. It sounds REALLY strange to call someone "Jennifer Tang" directly. At that point, you have to decide whether to say "Jennifer" or "Ms. Tang." Again, it doesn't hurt to be more formal.

Keep in mind, please, that you should use the advice above when the person is "above" you or perhaps "equal to" you. If they are below you, then use a first name. Being overly formal with someone below you can be taken as pushing them away from you.

The length and grammatical complexity of our answers are signs of formality and casualness.

As for length, there isn't a simple rule like "longer is more formal." Remember, we're talking about meeting someone.
If someone above you asks you "Have you worked here long?" a short answer like "a while" might seem too short and unclear, but "I started in the P.R. department building online profiles, then spent two years in accounting before I finally settled in with Don in project planning" includes too much detail. What would a good answer be? Something like "I've been with the company for almost four years."
If someone below you asks you the same question, then give the same information, but you don't have to give a complete answer. Just say "almost four years."
If you're equal to them, then either way of answering is okay.

Though you shouldn't spend too much time worrying about being grammatically correct, (understanding is more important), try to keep your replies clear. If the person you're meeting is above you, they will expect you to pay attention to what you say, and if you don't, they may think you're careless. Stay relaxed and think before you speak.

One clear sign of formality is the complexity of your answer, and the use of conditionals and other subordinating clauses is a great way to make your answer more complex. If someone above you asks you "What are your plans at school?", it's more formal to say "If I have the chance, I hope to get an internship at a genetics lab in Bar Harbor" and more casual to say "an internship in genetics." "If I have the chance" is a conditional subordinating clause. For more on clauses, check out this Prezi.

Deference:

"Deference" comes from the word "defer," which can mean to delay something, or here, to put someone else ahead of yourself.

When you meet someone clearly "above" you, if they are standing, you should stand. If they sit, wait for them to ask you to sit. In other areas, be agreeable. If they ask if you'd like a glass of water, say something like "only if you're having one."

Please keep in mind that being agreeable doesn't mean doing whatever they say. If they ask you to do something inappropriate, like have a glass of whiskey with them in the office, it's best to decline. If they ask for a date, say something like "I'm flattered, but I don't think that would be appropriate."

A few final notes:

Sometimes, you'll discover a conflict between how you should greet someone based on the three factors. This could be because you work in a business with a really unique corporate culture. For example, some creative businesses expect their employees to be more casual than they would be if they worked in a bank. Also, what should you do you supervise someone who is twenty years older than you? In the case of conflicts like these, try to find a balance, and when in doubt, it's better to be a little too polite than a little too casual.

Finally, a big part of the American identity is that we don't have the same class structures that other countries do. If you examine our culture as a whole, you'll see that this is largely untrue. However, there are quite a few people who take this idea of equality very seriously, and they will make it clear to you that they don't want you to treat them differently. They may say something like "There's no need for formality here." In fact, they may see formality as your way of maintaining social distance. The prefer that people "be real" with them. Here, to "be real" means to be friendly and direct without being rude. The advantage of behaving like this is that you never really know who that man in blue jeans is. He could be a farmer from down the street, a carpenter, a teacher, or a billionaire businessman. We often pride ourselves on treating everyone the same way. For some, that means being polite with everyone, and for others, that means being casual with everyone. As you develop your interactive social skills, decide how you should treat other people. To some, the answer is simply "treat others as you would like to be treated."