Starting conversations with people you don't know (well)

Once you've found an opportunity to make conversation, do you know how to start one? First, it's important to become good at making 'small talk.' 'Small talk' are short conversations about simple subjects which can eventually lead to deeper conversations and friendships.

Why (and how) do we make small talk?

     1. To start a longer conversation: One reason to make small talk is to find out if someone is friendly and open to a longer conversation. When you start making small talk, if the person doesn't look at you, or if they keep their answers very short, that's a signal that they don't really want to talk. If they say more than the minimum, make good eye contact, and look friendly, then they may be open to a longer conversation. 

     2. To find out about people: Sometimes we see people who look really interesting to use. It's okay to ask questions about strangers, but you should start with a simple question about something superficial ("I really like your car. How fast does it go?" or "My brother has a shirt like that. Where did you buy yours?") NOT something really personal and revealing ("Where do you work?" "Are you married?"

     3. To tell people about yourself: Perhaps you're really happy because you just passed a big test, and you're smiling broadly. If you make eye contact while you're smiling, it would be okay to say "I just passed a big test." If they don't answer, or they just say "that's nice," they're telling you they don't want to talk, but if they say, "what subject?" then they are open to a longer conversation. 

     4. To share an experience: For example, if you're both waiting in line at a supermarket, you might see something that the person has bought, and ask a question about it. "Oh, that looks good. Have you tried it before?"

     5. To break an awkward silence: If you're sitting in a waiting room, sometimes silence can be uncomfortable. In this situation, you could make a comment about the place you're waiting ("This place is busy"), or perhaps about the weather ("Beautiful day today."). 

     6. To share your thoughts, feelings, and observations: If you leave a movie theater at the same time as someone, then see them outside, you could say something like "That was an interesting movie." Be careful not to say anything too negative or too positive at first. If you say "That was an awful movie," but they liked it, you're creating an opportunity for conflict.
     7. To align with people: Conversations are sometimes just for getting information, but they are also a way to align with people. What does that mean? It means looking for things that you have in common with someone. If you're trying to align with someone, be careful not to create opportunities for conflict by sharing negative or strong opinions. Using phrases like 'I think,' 'maybe,' and 'sometimes' can help to avoid conflict.

The approach: Tips for getting their attention

     Get close enough: Get close enough so it is clear that you are talking to them. If you're across a busy room, they won't know who you are speaking to. Get close enough so that you don't have to shout.
     Make eye contact: Try to make eye contact without staring. If you stare at them, they'll get nervous. Look up once in a while, not just with your eyes, but with your face. If they notice and look up, they will make eye contact with you. If they meet your gaze, smile. If they smile back, then they are probably open to a conversation. They may smile and look away, though. That just means they are polite, but don't wan't to talk.
     Speak: If eye contact doesn't work, but they haven't signaled that they don't want to talk, say something. 'Excuse me' is useful, but it signals that you are going to ask for information or a favor. If you haven't made eye contact, and you say 'good afternoon,' it will seem a little formal. It sends a clear signal that you want to talk, and if they don't, it might be a bit embarrassing. If you say 'hi,' or 'hello,' which are more casual, it's less embarrassing if they don't answer you. Basically, the longer and more formal your words, the more uncomfortable it could be if they don't reply. Of course, if they are a lot older than you, it's better to be more polite.

What are some good ways to start a conversation with someone you don't know at all?

     Ask them an appropriate question. (Don't ask the first one if you're wearing a watch!)

          "Do you know the time?"                      
          "Does this bus go to the library?"
          "How long have you been waiting?"        
          "Do you know what's good to eat here?"
          "You look familiar. Have we met before?"
          "Is it supposed to be sunny all day?"

     Comment on something appropriate.
          "I hope this rain stops soon."        
          "What a beautiful day!"
          "This cold makes me sneeze."    
          "This new furniture is comfortable."

     Compliment them in an appropriate way.
          "Your shirt is a beautiful color."
          "You have a very nice smile."
          "I like your shoes."    
          "Your hair looks nice like that."

What are some good ways to start a conversation with someone you know a little?

     If you have a genuine question to ask, ask it. Otherwise, ask about something you have in common, like your class, dorm, team, etc.

          "Did you take notes in our last class?"      
          "What did you think about that video?"
          "You made a great shot in the game."      
          "Do you live in Bell Hall?"
          "Have you been to that new cafe?"  
          "I love what you said in class!

When is it okay to ask personal questions?

It's really NOT okay to ask personal questions of complete strangers. If you walk up to someone and start by saying "Could I ask you a personal question?", they'll probably think you're a weirdo, and they may feel threatened.

If you're having a good conversation with someone you've just met, asking a personal question can be risky. Use your judgment. If it's not too personal ("How long have you lived here?"), it might be okay, but something very personal ("Do you have a girlfriend?") will probably be seen as rude.

If you're talking to someone you already know, then it becomes more okay to ask personal questions. Be sure to introduce the question by asking something like "Can I ask you something personal?"

Taking it to the next level: Moving from small talk to friendship (but not with a stranger!)

The best thing about small talk is that it is a low-risk way of starting a conversation, and that conversation can lead to a friendship.

Start with small talk. If the person is open to talking with you, try to extend the conversation. How will you know they are open to you? Well, they might turn toward you, smile more, make more eye contact, give detailed answers to your questions, and ask new questions of their own.

As you succeed in making small talk with them, ask them about their interests, hobbies, etc. ("Do you like pizza?") This makes the conversation a bit more personal, and it also gives you a chance to see if you have something in common. If you do have something in common, you could suggest doing something fun with them. ("Have you seen the new movie "Take Five?") Please note that going for coffee together might be okay, but if you suggest going to a movie, they might think you're asking them on a date. If you want to go to a movie, but don't want to go on a date, suggest that you go with other people. ("Maybe we should get a group together and go see that movie.")

Finally, as you develop your own small talk and conversation skills, pay attention to how other people start and maintain conversations. You might learn something from them.