Polite Words for Not-So-Polite Things (Reader Beware: "Bad Words" Below!)

Learning vocabulary is difficult. It takes years to develop enough word knowledge to use English effectively on a daily basis, but sometimes even a working vocabulary isn't enough. Sometimes you learn words from the movies, the internet, or your friends that you really shouldn't use in polite company. These words fall into three basic groups: bodily functions, swear words, and delicate subjects. Fortunately, there are polite ways to say all of these same things. Let's look at them one group at a time.

Bodily Functions: These are very common things that we do with our bodies, (or that our bodies do on their own!) For each bodily function, we'll look at up to four different ways to say it: rude ways, the polite ways, the ways children say it, and the scientific way. If there are different parts of speech, like verbs and nouns, they will be marked differently. Please note: there may be lots of other rude ways to say these things, but I'm only including one or two of the most common rude terms so you'll know which words to avoid and what to say instead. If you want to learn those other rude ways, you'll have to do that research on your own.

Rude!:shit, crap (both verb & noun)

More Polite: use the facilities, go to the bathroom, do number 2, take care of some business / number 2

Used with children: poo, poop, make doody / poo, poop, doody

Scientific: defecate / excrement, stool, 

Rude!: piss (both verb & noun)

More Polite: use the facilities, go to the bathroom, do number 1, take a leak, relieve myself / number 2

Used with children: pee, peepee, tinkle / pee, peepee

Scientific: urinate / urine

Rude: fart (both verb & noun)

More Polite: pass gas, expel gas, break wind, let one go, let one rip / gas

Used with children: cut the cheese / 

Scientific: flatulate / flatulence

A Little Rude: burp (both verb & noun) 

More Polite: belch / belch

Used with children: (no special words)

Scientific: eructation (Most people don't say this.)

Swear Words: Swear words, or curses, are a kind of extreme exclamation that we use to express emotions, like anger or surprise. The point of this section is to give you more polite ways to express yourself when you're with people you should treat politely, like teachers, coworkers, public officials. This list will just include the rude form and the more polite forms.

Rude: Shit! Crap! Holy Shit!

More Polite: Shoot! Shucks! Holy smokes!

Rude: Damn! Damn it!

More Polite: Darn! Darn it!

Rude: God! My God!

More Polite: Gosh! Goodness! My Goodness!

Rude: Jesus! Jesus Christ!

More Polite: Jeez! Jeesum Crow!

Rude: Hell! What the heck!

More Polite: Heck! What the heck!

Delicate Subjects: Delicate subjects include subjects that we don't want to talk about directly because people feel bad about these things. Most of these relate to death. There's something so harsh about saying that someone is dead directly, so we have lots of indirect ways to talk about death and other delicate subjects. There are many slang ways of saying these things, too, but I will not go over them here. 

Direct: died, is dead

Indirect: passed, passed away, is no longer with us, is at peace, is at rest

Direct: is pregnant

Indirect: is expecting, is in the family way, is eating for two, is with child

Direct: miscarried (miscarriage is when a baby dies before it is born)

Indirect: lost the baby

Direct: is unemployed

Indirect: is between jobs, is looking for work

Direct: are separated (when a married couple lives apart and is thinking about divorce)

Indirect: are taking/spending some time apart

Direct: argue or fight with someone

Indirect: have words with someone, have a disagreement, don't see eye to eye

Direct: is depressed

Indirect: is blue, looks blue, looks/is down (in the dumps)

Greetings: The Language Aspect

Meeting new people for the first time.

In life, we often meet new people. We meet people when we interview for new jobs or to get into a good school. We meet people in the offices and classes where we work. We meet people in other offices, clubs, and groups whom we might need to work with in the future. We meet our competitors in the business world, on the athletic fields, or at conferences. We meet people who want to sell us something, or politicians who want our votes. All of these situations include a spoken greeting and a physical greeting. In this post, we'll look at the spoken greetings commonly used in American English, at least in this part of the country.

Assessing the relationship: What are the factors?

When we meet people for the first time, we usually expect to meet them, so we know something about who they are. What we know about them determines how we interact with them. Though social interactions are really very complicated, understanding some simple factors for deciding how to interact is important. Here are some of those factors.

Factor #1 - Age: For our purposes here, other people are divided into three age groups: peers, younger people, and older people. How do we decide which group people are in? That's easy. They are either in our peer group, or they are older or younger. It's how we define our peer group that's a bit complex. 

When we are very young, say eight years old, our peer group likely includes other people in the same grade at school. If someone is just a grade younger, we might think of them as "little babies," and if they are even one grade older, we might think of them as "big kids." We probably "boss around" the kids who are younger than us and are bossed around by the kids who are older than us. 

By the time we get to high school or college, the age range of our peer groups has probably expanded to three-to-five years. As 28-year-olds, we probably see someone as young as 23 and as old as 33 in our group. Now, these aren't clearly defined rules, but you get the idea, right? If you're not sure what the range of YOUR peer group is, there's a simple test. Ask yourself one question: "What age range of people would you consider dating?"

Factor #2 - work or school relationship: Like with age, we break this down into three groups: our equals (people who are in about the same position as us), our superiors (people who have power over us), and our inferiors (people over whom we have power). It's important to note that in American culture, though we might call our superiors "superiors," we do not call our inferiors "inferiors." In other cultures, the terms "seniors" and "juniors" are used.

How do we define our superiors (and inferiors)? This gets back to power. A person can have official power (a.k.a. "authority") over another person (manager-employee, professor-student), or they can have unofficial power. Unofficial power often comes from experience. Even if someone is in the same job as you, they might have had that job for ten years, which gives them some power over you. Regardless of whether the power comes from authority or experience, if someone can tell you what to do, they are superior; if you can tell them what to do, you are superior; and if it's hard to imagine either one of you telling the other what to do, you're probably equals at work or in school. 

Factor #3 - needs: Though peer groups based on age change slowly as we get older, and though our work relationships change when someone gets a promotion, relationships based on the final factor can change at any minute. When we meet someone new, one or both of use may need something from the other. Think about it. If you go to the Financial Aid Office because you hope to get a scholarship, you need something from the person you meet. If a salesman wants to buy his product, then  she needs something from you. Of course, it's possible that the first time you meet someone, you won't know what they can do for you, or what you can do for them, but there may be future needs. 

So, how do the three factors affect how we greet people? They affect formality and deference. Here's how.

We are typically formal and deferential with people who are older than our peer groups, people who have power over use, and people from whom we need something.
We are casual and non-deferential with people in our peer groups, with people who are our equals at work or school, and with people who need nothing from us and from whom we need nothing.
We are casual and non-deferential with, but expect formality and deference from people who are younger than our peer groups, people over whom we have power at work or school, and people who need something from us.
To make this easier to follow, I'll call the first group "above," the second group "equal to," and the third group "below" you

Formality:

"Formality" is a BIG are of inquiry, but we'll keep our exploration here simple. For this discussion of formality, we will not talk about body language, etc. You can read about the physical aspects of greetings in this blog post. Here we discuss two things.

The Terms of Address are what we call people when we meet them.
Sometimes you go into a situation knowing what someone's name and title are; sometimes you don't. If you don't know, then introductions are necessary.

If the person introduces himself or herself with only a given name (perhaps "Barbara"), then he or she is signalling to use that first name. If you still want to be formal as a sign of respect, then your only choice is to use "sir" or "ma'am." Here's the best part. In that situation, if you call Barbara "ma'am," but she doesn't want you to be formal, she'll say "Call me Barbara," and she won't think you were disrespectful by calling her "ma'am."

If a person introduces himself or herself using a title and family name, he or she is sending a clear signal to use the title and family name (perhaps "Mr. Hattori") or to address him "sir" or her "ma'am." Again, just like before, if you are too polite, he or she will probably let you know.

If a person introduces himself or herself using a given name and family name, things are not as clear. It sounds REALLY strange to call someone "Jennifer Tang" directly. At that point, you have to decide whether to say "Jennifer" or "Ms. Tang." Again, it doesn't hurt to be more formal.

Keep in mind, please, that you should use the advice above when the person is "above" you or perhaps "equal to" you. If they are below you, then use a first name. Being overly formal with someone below you can be taken as pushing them away from you.

The length and grammatical complexity of our answers are signs of formality and casualness.

As for length, there isn't a simple rule like "longer is more formal." Remember, we're talking about meeting someone.
If someone above you asks you "Have you worked here long?" a short answer like "a while" might seem too short and unclear, but "I started in the P.R. department building online profiles, then spent two years in accounting before I finally settled in with Don in project planning" includes too much detail. What would a good answer be? Something like "I've been with the company for almost four years."
If someone below you asks you the same question, then give the same information, but you don't have to give a complete answer. Just say "almost four years."
If you're equal to them, then either way of answering is okay.

Though you shouldn't spend too much time worrying about being grammatically correct, (understanding is more important), try to keep your replies clear. If the person you're meeting is above you, they will expect you to pay attention to what you say, and if you don't, they may think you're careless. Stay relaxed and think before you speak.

One clear sign of formality is the complexity of your answer, and the use of conditionals and other subordinating clauses is a great way to make your answer more complex. If someone above you asks you "What are your plans at school?", it's more formal to say "If I have the chance, I hope to get an internship at a genetics lab in Bar Harbor" and more casual to say "an internship in genetics." "If I have the chance" is a conditional subordinating clause. For more on clauses, check out this Prezi.

Deference:

"Deference" comes from the word "defer," which can mean to delay something, or here, to put someone else ahead of yourself.

When you meet someone clearly "above" you, if they are standing, you should stand. If they sit, wait for them to ask you to sit. In other areas, be agreeable. If they ask if you'd like a glass of water, say something like "only if you're having one."

Please keep in mind that being agreeable doesn't mean doing whatever they say. If they ask you to do something inappropriate, like have a glass of whiskey with them in the office, it's best to decline. If they ask for a date, say something like "I'm flattered, but I don't think that would be appropriate."

A few final notes:

Sometimes, you'll discover a conflict between how you should greet someone based on the three factors. This could be because you work in a business with a really unique corporate culture. For example, some creative businesses expect their employees to be more casual than they would be if they worked in a bank. Also, what should you do you supervise someone who is twenty years older than you? In the case of conflicts like these, try to find a balance, and when in doubt, it's better to be a little too polite than a little too casual.

Finally, a big part of the American identity is that we don't have the same class structures that other countries do. If you examine our culture as a whole, you'll see that this is largely untrue. However, there are quite a few people who take this idea of equality very seriously, and they will make it clear to you that they don't want you to treat them differently. They may say something like "There's no need for formality here." In fact, they may see formality as your way of maintaining social distance. The prefer that people "be real" with them. Here, to "be real" means to be friendly and direct without being rude. The advantage of behaving like this is that you never really know who that man in blue jeans is. He could be a farmer from down the street, a carpenter, a teacher, or a billionaire businessman. We often pride ourselves on treating everyone the same way. For some, that means being polite with everyone, and for others, that means being casual with everyone. As you develop your interactive social skills, decide how you should treat other people. To some, the answer is simply "treat others as you would like to be treated."

Greetings: Handshakes or hugs?

In a previous post, we looked at how to use language differently when we meet and greet people who are "above" us, our equals, or "below us," but beyond speaking, what should we do when we greet people? Should we shake hands? Hug them? Just smile?

This discussion focuses on the first few moments when you meet someone, not the whole interaction, and it focuses only on the physical dynamics of those few moments. 

Image from www.docrun.com

Handshakes: 

Though the origin of the handshake is unclear, it is now a clear sign of respect and attention. The standard handshake is pictured on the left. There are many different ways to shake hands using this basic starting position. We don't, however, start in this position, so we'll start this discussion with the approach

The Approach:

It can be hard to know if someone wants to shake hands with you. Because there are so many different cultures in the United States, different people do different things. When you approach someone, watch them carefully. If they start to put out their right hand, you should do the same thing. As each hand is extended, you will both be more confident that a handshake is coming. All of this happens as you approach them. If you walk right up to them without putting your hand out, then a handshake might not happen.

The Squeeze:

1. 'The dead fish': When some people shake hands, they don't squeeze at all. Barely touching hands is viewed as a sign of weakness or lack of trust by many. These people may even think they are royalty, and that you should kiss their hand on bended knee, which is NOT an American ideal.
2. 'The death grip': When others shake hands, they squeeze quite hard. This is better than the 'dead fish' handshake, but not much a lot better. It's as if these people are trying to prove they are stronger than you by squeezing harder than you. Now, when I meet some old friends, we do squeeze hard, and it's something like a competition, but this is inappropriate with strangers.
3. Medium grip: The perfect amount of strength to use when shaking hands is somewhere between the 'dead fish' and the 'death grip.' If you hold onto a bottle with this amount of strength, someone should not be able to slap the bottle out of your hand, but you shouldn't be squeezing the blood out of your fingers, either.

The Shake:

1. Just the squeeze, please: When some people greet, they don't actually shake hands, they just reach out and squeeze for a second or so, then release.
2. The shake: When most people greet, they raise and lower their hands together a few inches two or three times, then release. This is the most common way to shake hands.
3. The pump: There are a few people who have so much energy and enthusiasm for meeting new people that they move their hands up and down very vigorously, and some even push and pull like they're trying to saw down a tree. These aren't very common, but they always bring a smile to my face when they happen. In my experience, these people really want something from you. They may want you to join their church, to vote for them, or to buy a car from them.
4. The two-hander: When you shake hands with some people, they put their left hand over the clasped hands. This is to create a warmer feeling of connection, or to show that they are paying attention to you and only you.
5. The hold: There are also a few people who hold onto your hand until they stop talking to you, which can feel very awkward. The problem is that if you stop squeezing, your hand might become a 'dead fish' and they might think you're a bit rude, or distant. Sometimes, you can get out of 'the hold' by shaking again, which sometimes can trigger the 'holder' to let go.
6. Like the approach, the release should be done together. This is easy if you follow one simple rule: keep your handshaking short. When it's short, you don't have to think about letting go, it just happens, but if a handshake goes more than a few seconds, you start to think about letting go, and then you can't think of anything else!

Hugs:

Unlike handshakes, hugging seems like a much more natural thing to do, though that doesn't mean you should greet people you don't know with a hug.

The Approach: 

Typically, people who don't already know each other do not hug when they meet for the first time, but there are situations when strangers might hug. For example, if you go to the wedding of an old friend you haven't seen in a long time, and this friend is someone you would hug, then it makes sense to hug the friend's spouse. If you go to a funeral, people are much more likely to hug. If you go somewhere with a group of friends whom you usually hug, and they introduce you to a new friend whom they usually hug, then a hug might also happen. Just like with handshakes, you have to watch for the other person to see if they lift their arms out to the sides. If they do, then a hug may be coming.

The Hugs:

1. The traditional hug: In a regular hug, both parties approach with their arms reaching out and toward the other person and their heads tilted to the left. Each person puts his or her arms around the other person's back, and may even pat the other person on the back with his or her right hand.
2. The close hug: Friends with a deep emotional bond will probably stand very close together so that they are touching as much as possible. Usually, we don't share these hugs with strangers.
3. The hug and whisper: This is very much like a traditional hug, or a close hug, with one extra element. One person leans back a little to whisper a secret into the other person's ear. These often take place in very public places when two people want to speak, but don't want anyone else to hear.
4. The leaning hug: When people have to hug someone they don't know well, or if they don't really like hugging but know they are expected to do it, they stand with 12 to 18 inches between them and the other person so that only their arms and shoulders touch.
5. The bear hug: A bear hug is when one person hugs very tightly and picks the other person up, perhaps even shaking him or her a bit. It's usually only seen when good friends are reunited after a long time apart, so don't worry to much about being hugged like this by a stranger.
6. The bro hug: This is a handshake-hug hybrid that has become more popular in recent years, particularly among men who know each other. Both people start with a handshake, but pull the other person in closer. In a quick movement, they touch shoulders and pat each other on the back. This is probably more popular because it is less intimate than a traditional hug. It's a good 'halfway' hug for peopel who may be more than acquaintances, but may not be close friends yet.
7. The sideways hug: In a sideways hug, two people stand side-by-side facing the same direction and they put one arm around the other person's shoulders. This is a also a good 'halfway' hug for people who don't know each other very well, or if people see each other a lot. People also sideways hug when they pose for photographs.
8. A hip hug: This is a hug where one or both people either start with their hands near the other person's hips, or the hands move down to the hips. These usually only happen with longer hugs, and they are definitely a sign of a close, perhaps romantic relationship.
9. Group hugs: A group hug is when a circle of friends come together like a circular sideways hug. This, of course, is highly unlikely with strangers, but it could be considered a 'gateway hug' for people who have recently got to know each other through some group event and want to show their affection to their new friends.

The Release:

Except for the 'bro hug,' most hugs last longer than ordinary handshakes, but not a lot longer, and just like handshakes, the longer a hug lasts, the more uncomfortable it can be if the two people are not already close friends. Still, if you let go before the other person and drop your arms to the side, it will send a message to the other person to let go. This is a more acceptable way of ending a hug.

Smiles:

Sometimes, when people meet, if they're meeting socially, a handshake can seem too formal and a hug can seem too friendly. In these cases, just smile. In fact, that's a simple answer to anyone's questions about what to do when greeting. If while you're smiling, you see a hand go out, or both hands, then you know a handshake or a hug is coming. Usually, though, either one will happen very early in the greeting, so if you've been talking for more than a few seconds, a smile is probably enough.

Kisses:

Kisses are not a typical part of traditional American greetings, but because America is made up of so many people from various cultures, you may see people greet each other with a quick kiss on the cheek, or two, or three. These traditions are alive and well in numerous European countries where kissing is a normal greeting both for friends and stranger. In some of those cultures, men kiss men, and women kiss women, but men don't kiss women as a greeting.
     If you make friends with a lot of people from one of those cultures, it may seem quite natural after a while to want to learn their customary behavior. Observe and learn.

Starting conversations with people you don't know (well)

Once you've found an opportunity to make conversation, do you know how to start one? First, it's important to become good at making 'small talk.' 'Small talk' are short conversations about simple subjects which can eventually lead to deeper conversations and friendships.

Why (and how) do we make small talk?

     1. To start a longer conversation: One reason to make small talk is to find out if someone is friendly and open to a longer conversation. When you start making small talk, if the person doesn't look at you, or if they keep their answers very short, that's a signal that they don't really want to talk. If they say more than the minimum, make good eye contact, and look friendly, then they may be open to a longer conversation. 

     2. To find out about people: Sometimes we see people who look really interesting to use. It's okay to ask questions about strangers, but you should start with a simple question about something superficial ("I really like your car. How fast does it go?" or "My brother has a shirt like that. Where did you buy yours?") NOT something really personal and revealing ("Where do you work?" "Are you married?"

     3. To tell people about yourself: Perhaps you're really happy because you just passed a big test, and you're smiling broadly. If you make eye contact while you're smiling, it would be okay to say "I just passed a big test." If they don't answer, or they just say "that's nice," they're telling you they don't want to talk, but if they say, "what subject?" then they are open to a longer conversation. 

     4. To share an experience: For example, if you're both waiting in line at a supermarket, you might see something that the person has bought, and ask a question about it. "Oh, that looks good. Have you tried it before?"

     5. To break an awkward silence: If you're sitting in a waiting room, sometimes silence can be uncomfortable. In this situation, you could make a comment about the place you're waiting ("This place is busy"), or perhaps about the weather ("Beautiful day today."). 

     6. To share your thoughts, feelings, and observations: If you leave a movie theater at the same time as someone, then see them outside, you could say something like "That was an interesting movie." Be careful not to say anything too negative or too positive at first. If you say "That was an awful movie," but they liked it, you're creating an opportunity for conflict.
     7. To align with people: Conversations are sometimes just for getting information, but they are also a way to align with people. What does that mean? It means looking for things that you have in common with someone. If you're trying to align with someone, be careful not to create opportunities for conflict by sharing negative or strong opinions. Using phrases like 'I think,' 'maybe,' and 'sometimes' can help to avoid conflict.

The approach: Tips for getting their attention

     Get close enough: Get close enough so it is clear that you are talking to them. If you're across a busy room, they won't know who you are speaking to. Get close enough so that you don't have to shout.
     Make eye contact: Try to make eye contact without staring. If you stare at them, they'll get nervous. Look up once in a while, not just with your eyes, but with your face. If they notice and look up, they will make eye contact with you. If they meet your gaze, smile. If they smile back, then they are probably open to a conversation. They may smile and look away, though. That just means they are polite, but don't wan't to talk.
     Speak: If eye contact doesn't work, but they haven't signaled that they don't want to talk, say something. 'Excuse me' is useful, but it signals that you are going to ask for information or a favor. If you haven't made eye contact, and you say 'good afternoon,' it will seem a little formal. It sends a clear signal that you want to talk, and if they don't, it might be a bit embarrassing. If you say 'hi,' or 'hello,' which are more casual, it's less embarrassing if they don't answer you. Basically, the longer and more formal your words, the more uncomfortable it could be if they don't reply. Of course, if they are a lot older than you, it's better to be more polite.

What are some good ways to start a conversation with someone you don't know at all?

     Ask them an appropriate question. (Don't ask the first one if you're wearing a watch!)

          "Do you know the time?"                      
          "Does this bus go to the library?"
          "How long have you been waiting?"        
          "Do you know what's good to eat here?"
          "You look familiar. Have we met before?"
          "Is it supposed to be sunny all day?"

     Comment on something appropriate.
          "I hope this rain stops soon."        
          "What a beautiful day!"
          "This cold makes me sneeze."    
          "This new furniture is comfortable."

     Compliment them in an appropriate way.
          "Your shirt is a beautiful color."
          "You have a very nice smile."
          "I like your shoes."    
          "Your hair looks nice like that."

What are some good ways to start a conversation with someone you know a little?

     If you have a genuine question to ask, ask it. Otherwise, ask about something you have in common, like your class, dorm, team, etc.

          "Did you take notes in our last class?"      
          "What did you think about that video?"
          "You made a great shot in the game."      
          "Do you live in Bell Hall?"
          "Have you been to that new cafe?"  
          "I love what you said in class!

When is it okay to ask personal questions?

It's really NOT okay to ask personal questions of complete strangers. If you walk up to someone and start by saying "Could I ask you a personal question?", they'll probably think you're a weirdo, and they may feel threatened.

If you're having a good conversation with someone you've just met, asking a personal question can be risky. Use your judgment. If it's not too personal ("How long have you lived here?"), it might be okay, but something very personal ("Do you have a girlfriend?") will probably be seen as rude.

If you're talking to someone you already know, then it becomes more okay to ask personal questions. Be sure to introduce the question by asking something like "Can I ask you something personal?"

Taking it to the next level: Moving from small talk to friendship (but not with a stranger!)

The best thing about small talk is that it is a low-risk way of starting a conversation, and that conversation can lead to a friendship.

Start with small talk. If the person is open to talking with you, try to extend the conversation. How will you know they are open to you? Well, they might turn toward you, smile more, make more eye contact, give detailed answers to your questions, and ask new questions of their own.

As you succeed in making small talk with them, ask them about their interests, hobbies, etc. ("Do you like pizza?") This makes the conversation a bit more personal, and it also gives you a chance to see if you have something in common. If you do have something in common, you could suggest doing something fun with them. ("Have you seen the new movie "Take Five?") Please note that going for coffee together might be okay, but if you suggest going to a movie, they might think you're asking them on a date. If you want to go to a movie, but don't want to go on a date, suggest that you go with other people. ("Maybe we should get a group together and go see that movie.")

Finally, as you develop your own small talk and conversation skills, pay attention to how other people start and maintain conversations. You might learn something from them. 

Conversation Opportunities

Because English is not my first language, I study a lot. How can I improve my conversation skills when I study all the time?

Success means more than good grades. Studying all the time isn't healthy. Good health and happiness come from being physically and socially active. Making time for conversation is very important to your language development and your health.

If you're doing well in your classes, maybe you are studying more than necessary. Take the time to be involved in campus life in other ways. Here are some of the things you might do.

     1. Join a club or group. There are lots of student groups on campus where you can meet people, learn something, have fun, and develop friendships. Husson University has over 40 different clubs from the Accounting Society to the Ping Pong Club. See a list of those clubs here.

     2. Start a club or group. Think about what you want to do, find other people who want to do the same thing, and create a group. Husson may even provide you with some money for activities. At Husson University, you need at least five members and an advisor to start a group. Go to the Husson Student Affairs office for more information and an application.
     3. Take up a sport. Playing sports can be a great way to get a workout and to meet new people. During the school year at Husson, students participate in flag football, soccer, dodgeball, 3 on 3 basketball, floor hockey, voleyball, kickball, softball, and ultimate frisbee. Not good enough to make the team? Don't worry, these aren't the team sports, these are intramural sports. For more information on intramural sports at Husson, click here. 
     4. Go for a workout. Stay physically fit and meet workout buddies by participating in other fitness and outdoor activities on campus and off campus, by going to the gym, or swimming in the pool. For more information on those kinds of activities at Husson, click here.
     5. Participate in Student Life activities. Husson programs lots of entertainment and enrichment activities. For a calendar of upcoming activities where you can meet people and maybe make friends, click here.
     6. If you live off campus, look for groups, clubs, and activities off campus. There's a lot more happening in Bangor than there is at Husson. For a calendar of meetings, groups, etc. in Bangor, click here. For information on cultural institutions, activities, and events in Bangor and the surrounding area, click here.
     7. Lounge around. Go to the student union or a dorm lounge and hang around. Strike up a conversation with people you recognize. You might build a friendship this way. At Husson, the Furman Student Center and the Commons are great places to run into other people.
     8. Get a job or volunteer. Part-time jobs on campus or off campus are great ways to meet lots of different people and to practice your language skills. If your visa doesn't allow you to get a job, see if there are volunteer opportunities on campus or in the community. You might be able to help out in an office at school, or volunteer at an animal shelter, or other institution off campus.

If you're in danger of failing a class, studying less and socializing more may not be possible, but there are still things you can do.

     1. Visit your teacher for extra help. Not only will this help you understand the subject better, but talking to professors will improve your 'formal' conversation skills. 
     2. Find a study partner, or create a study group for your courses. Working with your peers on a regular basis (once or twice a week) gives you a chance to improve your understanding of the subject and to develop your 'casual' conversational skills. Also, you might make a good friends. If you like the people in your group, then suggest that you all go for coffee someday, or see a movie. 
     3. Go to class early if possible. When other students arrive, make small talk with them about your assignments, compliment them on their appearance, or find out more about who they are and what they do for fun.
     4. Ask your academic advisor if you can drop a course or withdraw. That will leave you with more time to work on your other classes and to develop your social skills using the resources above.

In addition to these situations, ask people you already know, like your roommates, residential assistant, and classmates, for ideas about good places to practice your conversation skills. Be honest. Tell them that you're don't have enough experience talking to people, and that you could use some help.

14 Tips for making friends in other countries

Are you having a hard time making friends in a new country? 

Read the our expectations for, the realities of, and tips for making friends below.

Expectation #1: I made friends quickly at home, so I'll make them quickly here.

Reality: It may have seemed quick, but it probably took longer than we remember.

Sometimes we forget how long it took to make friends. It might seem like it was easy now because we remember years of friendship, and those years now seem much longer than the time we spent becoming friends.

     TIP: Don't set a deadline for making friends, and don't beat yourself up if it takes longer than you expect. Sometimes, friendship comes quickly, but usually, it takes years. 

Expectation #2: It will be easier to make friends now than when I was young.

Reality: Everyone was in the "same boat," so we made friends easily then.

When we were young, we spent years in the same classes with the same people, and we wanted the same thing in friends: someone to play with. Now, we don't see the same people all the time, and the people we DO see might not be looking for friends. Also, our reasons for making friends may be different from what they used to be, and they may be different from person to person.

     TIP: Think clearly about the kinds of friendships you want. What will that person be like? What will you do together? How much time will you spend together? Do you want a lot of friends to do things with? or one or two friends to share your feelings with? Don't expect to much too soon. When you don't see people often, it takes a lot longer to become close.

Expectation #3: I'm older now, so I should have more friends.

Reality: Friends are not collectibles that we keep in a box. 

As we get older and busier, we have less time to spend with other people, so the quality of our friendships becomes more important, and the quantity of friendships becomes less important. 

     TIP: Think about the friends you already have and how you can make those friendships stronger. Think about what you can do for them. Making quality friends is easier when you think about what you can do for other people, not just what they can do for you.

Expectation #4 : I know what's best for me. I know exactly what kind of friends I should have.

Reality: We know what we want because of our past, but we should be open to new future.

Because of our experiences and attitudes back home, we probably have a good idea of what we want in a friend, but when we're in a new country and new culture using a different language, we may not find friends like the ones we're used to. That doesn't mean that we can't make friends, though.

     TIP: Be open minded. Open yourself up to friendships that are new and different from the ones you had back home. You may discovers something new about yourself. 

Expectation #5: I'll know when I have enough friends.

Reality: Our ideas about our friendships are different from what other people think.

Our own memories and judgments may not be accurate. When I was in high school, I had a small group of neighbors I spent time with. Many years later, I met a classmate by chance, and she said that we were the most popular people in school. Even the people whom we thought were the superstars thought that we were popular. Why did we think we were "off the radar" unpopular? Because we didn't worry about popular. There were only a few of us, but that was enough. We were friends then, but now that we are older, we have become very close. It took decades to become so close.

     TIP: Don't spend too much time worrying about how many friends you have or what other people think about your friends. Just build the friendships that are rewarding and helpful to you.

Expectation #6: I'm only going to be here for a year, so I need to find BFF's now.

Reality: Making a real best friend forever (BFF) take years.

     TIP: If you're only going to be in a new city or country for a short time, like one or two semesters, don't be disappointed if you aren't best friends with lots of people by the time you leave. Set a more realistic goal, like having a few friends that you can stay in touch with by email, or through social media. You can continue building your friendship long after you leave, and perhaps your friends will come visit you, or you will come back to visit them some day.

Expectation #7: Because I'm from another country, lots of people will want to be my friends.

Reality: Some people may already have a diverse group of friends, and others may not care.

If you come from a country that isn't diverse, or that doesn't have a lot of residents from other countries, it may be very exciting and interesting to meet people who are from different cultures. In the United States, there is a lot of diversity in our population and in our popular culture (movies, television, music, etc.). People who appreciate diversity may already have a lot of friends from other cultures, and they may already know a lot about your country. Other people just may not be as interested in other cultures. 

     TIP: Don't expect to make friends just because you're from another country. Think about what makes you a good friend back home. Is it your personality? your style? your hobbies? your interests? Find a way to make friends based on those aspects of yourself.

Expectation #8: I'm good at making friends at home, so I'll be good at making friends here.

Reality: People in different countries have different ideas about friendship. 

1. In some cultures, a friend is someone we spend time with just sitting around and talking; in other cultures, a friend is someone we do things with, like go skiing, watch movies, etc.

     TIP: Think about what you usually do with your friends back home and be open to different kinds of friendships. A friendship here may not be the same as your friendships back home, but it still may be important. 

2. In some cultures, we keep our problems to ourselves because we don't want to worry our friends, or we're afraid of what they'll think about us; in other cultures, we want to be friends only with people who are comfortable sharing their feelings and problems with us.

     TIP: If you're not sure if it's okay to share your problems or feelings with someone, ask them if it's okay with them. You can even tell them about the cultural differences to help them understand that sharing feelings may be a new experience for you.

3. Regarding culture, different cultures have different ways of making friends. In some countries, people expect to be friends with everyone in their classes, or with everyone they work with, and when they change schools or jobs, they change friends. In the United States, we might be friendly with these people, but we have different ways of choosing friends. Also, we behave differently around friends. In some cultures, hugging and kissing is a sign of close friendship, but in others, that's what you do with everybody you meet. It's easy to misunderstand the signals people send (body language, posture, voice), and it's easy to send the wrong signals because of a misunderstanding.

     TIP: Be an observer. Watch people and see how their behavior changes around friends. Ask people you know how THEY behave and talk differently around their friends. 

Expectation #9: It will be easy to make friends in a new country.

Reality: It is harder than you know for language, practical, and cultural reasons.

1. As for language, when you speak English as a Second Language, you might not know how to speak casually to friends. You might speak in a way that seems formal to them. Formal language is something we use when we are not close to people, or when we don't want to be close to people. If you use language that is too formal, you may be sending this message: "I don't want to be close to you." On the other hand, casual English is different for different people, so it can be hard to learn.

     TIP: When you talk to someone you think could be your friend, tell them that you are learning English, and ask if they can help teach you how to talk like a friend. They might need to suggest changes in your vocabulary, the level of English you use, body language, tone, and more. 

2. As for practical concerns, some people may be very busy with their studies, or they may not live near you. This can make it hard to get to know them.

     TIP: Join a study group of people in the same classes to get to know them better. You may or may not end up with lasting friendships, but at least you can practice your conversation skills.

     TIP: If they don't live near you, ask about that place, and when you feel comfortable and safe with them, ask them if there's anything interesting to see or do near their home. Maybe they'll invite you to do something. 

One final note:

Tips like these are only helpful if you use them, but that's not going to be easy. Even so, the effort you put into making friends will pay off in the long run.

What? You're Pulling My Leg!

"You're pulling my leg" is an idiomatic expression that means "you're lying to me," but not in a bad way. It means that you're telling me a story, a yarn, a real whopper of a tale, and you're doing it in such a cool, smooth, straight-faced way as to make it seem like you think I'll believe you, but my goodness, who would ever believe a story like that.

Clear?

Now I don't know how the heck we ever got around to saying "You're pulling my leg" when we mean "you're telling me a not-so-true story," but let me take a crack at it (let me try to answer it). If someone friendly, someone you know is telling you about something that happened, and that something is pretty unbelievable, you might wonder why we don't just call him or her a liar and get it over with. Well, honestly, I don't remember calling anyone a liar or being called a liar since I was in elementary school. Why not? Is it because nobody's lied to me? No. Not at all. It's probably because accusing someone of lying is a pretty bold thing to do, and you wouldn't want to be so bold with a stranger for fear they have a concealed carry permit and will pull a gun on you, and you wouldn't want to be so bold with a friend because, well, he or she is a friend, and let's be honest.

"Liar" has the deep seated emotional impact of calling someone a "brat," or a "booger." They seem like harmless words, but they strike a chord. Think for a moment about all the other ways you might accuse someone of making up a story. You might say, "you're full of sh*t," or "you're full of baloney." You might say "hogwash," "that's a crock of *&%*," or just "you're full of it." But would you ever just say "you're lying?" There's something about being that direct that just seems socially less acceptable than swearing about it. In a sense, the swearing seems good natured. It's like a line of dialogue in a scene where you tell me a crazy story, I loudly disbelieve it, you make stronger claims that it's true, and I protest that it can't be. In a sense, the louder you deny it, the more it seems that you're really admitting that it's hogwash, and we're bonding.

Now ya know (or maybe you don't).