Greetings: Handshakes or hugs?

In a previous post, we looked at how to use language differently when we meet and greet people who are "above" us, our equals, or "below us," but beyond speaking, what should we do when we greet people? Should we shake hands? Hug them? Just smile?

This discussion focuses on the first few moments when you meet someone, not the whole interaction, and it focuses only on the physical dynamics of those few moments. 

Image from www.docrun.com

Handshakes: 

Though the origin of the handshake is unclear, it is now a clear sign of respect and attention. The standard handshake is pictured on the left. There are many different ways to shake hands using this basic starting position. We don't, however, start in this position, so we'll start this discussion with the approach

The Approach:

It can be hard to know if someone wants to shake hands with you. Because there are so many different cultures in the United States, different people do different things. When you approach someone, watch them carefully. If they start to put out their right hand, you should do the same thing. As each hand is extended, you will both be more confident that a handshake is coming. All of this happens as you approach them. If you walk right up to them without putting your hand out, then a handshake might not happen.

The Squeeze:

1. 'The dead fish': When some people shake hands, they don't squeeze at all. Barely touching hands is viewed as a sign of weakness or lack of trust by many. These people may even think they are royalty, and that you should kiss their hand on bended knee, which is NOT an American ideal.
2. 'The death grip': When others shake hands, they squeeze quite hard. This is better than the 'dead fish' handshake, but not much a lot better. It's as if these people are trying to prove they are stronger than you by squeezing harder than you. Now, when I meet some old friends, we do squeeze hard, and it's something like a competition, but this is inappropriate with strangers.
3. Medium grip: The perfect amount of strength to use when shaking hands is somewhere between the 'dead fish' and the 'death grip.' If you hold onto a bottle with this amount of strength, someone should not be able to slap the bottle out of your hand, but you shouldn't be squeezing the blood out of your fingers, either.

The Shake:

1. Just the squeeze, please: When some people greet, they don't actually shake hands, they just reach out and squeeze for a second or so, then release.
2. The shake: When most people greet, they raise and lower their hands together a few inches two or three times, then release. This is the most common way to shake hands.
3. The pump: There are a few people who have so much energy and enthusiasm for meeting new people that they move their hands up and down very vigorously, and some even push and pull like they're trying to saw down a tree. These aren't very common, but they always bring a smile to my face when they happen. In my experience, these people really want something from you. They may want you to join their church, to vote for them, or to buy a car from them.
4. The two-hander: When you shake hands with some people, they put their left hand over the clasped hands. This is to create a warmer feeling of connection, or to show that they are paying attention to you and only you.
5. The hold: There are also a few people who hold onto your hand until they stop talking to you, which can feel very awkward. The problem is that if you stop squeezing, your hand might become a 'dead fish' and they might think you're a bit rude, or distant. Sometimes, you can get out of 'the hold' by shaking again, which sometimes can trigger the 'holder' to let go.
6. Like the approach, the release should be done together. This is easy if you follow one simple rule: keep your handshaking short. When it's short, you don't have to think about letting go, it just happens, but if a handshake goes more than a few seconds, you start to think about letting go, and then you can't think of anything else!

Hugs:

Unlike handshakes, hugging seems like a much more natural thing to do, though that doesn't mean you should greet people you don't know with a hug.

The Approach: 

Typically, people who don't already know each other do not hug when they meet for the first time, but there are situations when strangers might hug. For example, if you go to the wedding of an old friend you haven't seen in a long time, and this friend is someone you would hug, then it makes sense to hug the friend's spouse. If you go to a funeral, people are much more likely to hug. If you go somewhere with a group of friends whom you usually hug, and they introduce you to a new friend whom they usually hug, then a hug might also happen. Just like with handshakes, you have to watch for the other person to see if they lift their arms out to the sides. If they do, then a hug may be coming.

The Hugs:

1. The traditional hug: In a regular hug, both parties approach with their arms reaching out and toward the other person and their heads tilted to the left. Each person puts his or her arms around the other person's back, and may even pat the other person on the back with his or her right hand.
2. The close hug: Friends with a deep emotional bond will probably stand very close together so that they are touching as much as possible. Usually, we don't share these hugs with strangers.
3. The hug and whisper: This is very much like a traditional hug, or a close hug, with one extra element. One person leans back a little to whisper a secret into the other person's ear. These often take place in very public places when two people want to speak, but don't want anyone else to hear.
4. The leaning hug: When people have to hug someone they don't know well, or if they don't really like hugging but know they are expected to do it, they stand with 12 to 18 inches between them and the other person so that only their arms and shoulders touch.
5. The bear hug: A bear hug is when one person hugs very tightly and picks the other person up, perhaps even shaking him or her a bit. It's usually only seen when good friends are reunited after a long time apart, so don't worry to much about being hugged like this by a stranger.
6. The bro hug: This is a handshake-hug hybrid that has become more popular in recent years, particularly among men who know each other. Both people start with a handshake, but pull the other person in closer. In a quick movement, they touch shoulders and pat each other on the back. This is probably more popular because it is less intimate than a traditional hug. It's a good 'halfway' hug for peopel who may be more than acquaintances, but may not be close friends yet.
7. The sideways hug: In a sideways hug, two people stand side-by-side facing the same direction and they put one arm around the other person's shoulders. This is a also a good 'halfway' hug for people who don't know each other very well, or if people see each other a lot. People also sideways hug when they pose for photographs.
8. A hip hug: This is a hug where one or both people either start with their hands near the other person's hips, or the hands move down to the hips. These usually only happen with longer hugs, and they are definitely a sign of a close, perhaps romantic relationship.
9. Group hugs: A group hug is when a circle of friends come together like a circular sideways hug. This, of course, is highly unlikely with strangers, but it could be considered a 'gateway hug' for people who have recently got to know each other through some group event and want to show their affection to their new friends.

The Release:

Except for the 'bro hug,' most hugs last longer than ordinary handshakes, but not a lot longer, and just like handshakes, the longer a hug lasts, the more uncomfortable it can be if the two people are not already close friends. Still, if you let go before the other person and drop your arms to the side, it will send a message to the other person to let go. This is a more acceptable way of ending a hug.

Smiles:

Sometimes, when people meet, if they're meeting socially, a handshake can seem too formal and a hug can seem too friendly. In these cases, just smile. In fact, that's a simple answer to anyone's questions about what to do when greeting. If while you're smiling, you see a hand go out, or both hands, then you know a handshake or a hug is coming. Usually, though, either one will happen very early in the greeting, so if you've been talking for more than a few seconds, a smile is probably enough.

Kisses:

Kisses are not a typical part of traditional American greetings, but because America is made up of so many people from various cultures, you may see people greet each other with a quick kiss on the cheek, or two, or three. These traditions are alive and well in numerous European countries where kissing is a normal greeting both for friends and stranger. In some of those cultures, men kiss men, and women kiss women, but men don't kiss women as a greeting.
     If you make friends with a lot of people from one of those cultures, it may seem quite natural after a while to want to learn their customary behavior. Observe and learn.